Did You Marry The Right Person?


How do you know if you married the right person? Ever ask that question?
Here's my answer.
I believe there have to be enough initial commonalities for relationships to work, like values, life goals, attraction. But even then, relationship can be challenging. I believe some relationships are mismatched, but far fewer than we may be inclined to conclude or use as an excuse. But even if major commonalities are matched, relationships can be challenging. EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse or were drawn to her/him. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies.
Falling in love with our spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's call "falling" in love--because it's happening TO YOU.
Falling in love is easy. It's a passive, spontaneous experience.
But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades--the euphoria. It's a natural cycle of EVERY relationship., Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome, and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.
The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.
At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, "Did I marry the right person?" And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages break down. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.
Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, church, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV or abusive substances.
But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it.
I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later. Because......THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.... Yes, that's a radical statement, not always the case, but I believe it is the case most of the time.
SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It will NEVER just happen to you. You can't "find" LASTING love. You have to "MAKE" it day in and day out. That's why we have the expression "the labor of love." Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.
Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do to succeed with your marriage. What do those things do? They nurture emotional connection, even when--especially when there are differences and arguments.
Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits and responses in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the the habits, the results are predictable: You can "make" love. I will write about what those habits are in my next blog entry.

For further inquiries:

Check out Jim Covington, marriage counselor, at https://www.marriagecounselormanhattan.com

Phone: (917) 656- 4363