Do You See Me?
We are born to bond. Hence the reason humans need friendships and communities....and for most of us, a committed love relationship-a safe haven to go to and a secure base to go out from.
Sue Johnson, Hold Me Tight(which I highly recommend to all couples), tells us that this secure base is sought in all love relationships. She informs us that a silent unspoken need is the root of all solid connections: emotional presence.
Unconsciously or quietly we are always asking: Do you see me? Are you there for me? Do I matter? Can I tell that I'm special to you by the way that you look at me? These questions can only be answered by emotional presence.
I often hear in my work: She's looking at me, but it's like she's looking past me.................. I know he cares, or I 'think' he cares and objectively I think he loves me, but he's so checked out! So I don't know!......................Sometimes I just want to shake him-tell him to wake up! He's hardly ever present, it seems!So here's your homework: When you see your mate today, make eye contact and let him/her know you see them. It just takes a second. Taking that second can be one of the ways you can be present and connect.
Connection is always based on quality of presence or as John Gottman puts it: turning toward each other on a daily basis and making bids for connection by a loving gesture, loving eyes, a smile, a hug), or attuning to each other(You ok? How are you feeling?), or validating each other(I really understand how that made you feel...)
And that's how we feel seen. That's how the bond between you is kept secure. That's how trust remains steadfast.
For further inquiries:
Check out Jim Covington, marriage counselor, at https://www.marriagecounselormanhattan.com
Phone: (917) 656- 4363