Don't Act like a Girlfriend if you're Not


This is where people of the female persuasion find themselves in a quagmire. Here is a typical scenario. You go out with a guy, have a good time, text multiple times, go out again, sleep with the guy and start acting like the girlfriend.

There is one problem here; the guy doesn't see you as the GF. He's been having a fun time and sex was great but a GF? Ah, no. The problem? The two of you have been working in two different dimensions due to the way women are wired.

Women are nurturers, relationship driven individuals; you can see that even in their GF relationships. Men on the other hand aren't so quick to establish the GF-BF status. This is particularly true as you re-enter the dating world in your 40's, 50's and 60's. The advice I'm going to give will help both sides of this dating misalignment.

As my mom always said, "Ladies first," so ladies listen up. I get that you have an innate need to connect and be a nurturer and what better venue to fill that need than in a relationship but men are not always on the same page and that is when you get hurt and disappointed. Here is some sage advice.

1. Realize this trait about yourself and that this is what drives you and be mindful of it so you can keep it in check.

2. Slow down. As hard as it may be, don't go on your first date and come home writing a romantic novel in your head. See it for what it was, a date. Nice guy, had a good time, non-smoker, polite, if he asks, a second date is a go. Keep it simple. No, "Oh my God, Oh my God, this is the one."

3. I have been told many times by guys and gals that the dating world has changed and I'm too old fashioned but for me, once again, my mom's advice rings in my ear, "Don't call guys, let them call you." A guy's ego loves to be chased but at the end of the day, the guy needs to be the hunter. I have found, much to my chagrin, women today do all the chasing and then wind up in my office

wondering why the guy has gone MIA. Don't be like every other woman, do it differently.

4. Keep in mind what a man wants, a man will go after. I hate to use this example, but it is clear as a bell. When a guy is having an affair, look at the lengths and planning and determination he will go through to see the other woman. If he really wants to see you, he will. If the guy your dating always has excuses and you're not somewhat of a priority, than nix the guy; he's not that interested. However, a word of caution. Dating someone in their 40's, 50's, or 60's is quite a bit different than dating in your 20's and 30's. They have full time jobs, children, social responsibilities, elderly parents they care for and a life they have established before they met you. Take all that into consideration. You're gut knows when something is legit and when he's not that into you.

5. Listen to what he tells you, exactly what he tells you. If he says he doesn't know what he wants, doesn't want a relationship right now or doesn't want anyone to have expectations of him and vice versa, that is exactly what he means. Deal with it accordingly. Don't take it personally and don't be mad with him, instead give him credit for being honest (provided of course he had this conversation with you before he bedded you). If not, all bets are off.

6. If the GF/BF relationship has not been established, don't act like his girlfriend. Don't have expectations that only come with a bona fide relationship. It is not fair to either of you and you are only setting yourself up for hurt and disappointment.

Guys, you're easy. It's pretty simple. Don't lead her on or give mixed messages. I know it's difficult and avoidance seems like the easiest route but honesty is the best policy as it will save you aggravation in the end, plus you won't get bad mouthed to all her friends.

A true man out in the dating world today isn't one who is in the gym everyday and getting a different conquest every night or acting like a frat boy at the age of 55. A true man is one with integrity, honesty and compassion for a woman's feelings. You know when a woman is into you and you're not or perhaps you just ended a relationship and want to be free for a while. There is absolutely nothing wrong with any of that provided you are honest about it. Don't play with another's emotions to

get what you want because Karma does it exist and someday it will you show up at your front door.

For further inquiries:

Check out Debbie Martinez, Divorce and co- parenting coach, at

Phone: (305) 984- 5121