When couples contact me they most often say they need to work on their communication. To some extent this may be true, but it usually becomes apparent that the real issue of lack of connection. I often hand out a paper I have entitled: Rituals of Connection. When rituals of emotional connection are created in a marriage, they usually help couples celebrate their bond and stay together through all kinds of trials and triumph. I call one of the rituals After-dinner Coffee that is especially good for couples with children.
Once the entire family finishes their meal and their dinner-time conversation, the kids are excused to play, do homework, or watch a video. This give Mom and Dad time for a one-on-one conversation over coffee or tea. For some couples, this ritual continues long after the children have left home. I suggest that couples do this ritual over a hot beverage. This ensures that you'll sit still long enough for it to cool and for you to drink it. But it also provides a definite end to the ritual (when the drink is gone) in case one or both of you have other things to do. Most couples find this exercise of communication and connection quite meaningful and helpful. It's an important moment of connection.
However, there are other "moments" of connection as well that are not always planned. They can be more spontaneous. These moments are just as important as a planned ritual, if not more so., What kind of moments are these: It's the moment when you say I know we had a tough morning. I don't know how to fix it right now, but I know that your tears mattered to me. It's the moment when you call to say I'm missing you. It's the moment when you make eye contact and say Are you okay? It's the moment when you go behind closed doors with your partner for 60 seconds of reconnection before starting your evening as a family. It's the moment when you recognize your partner's stress and place a comforting arm while saying We'll figure this out together. I've got your back. Finding moments creates vulnerability and connection.
How many moments did you consciously create today?
If you are interested in learning more about moment of connection, I highly recommend a YouTube site where Sue Johnson, author of Hold Me Tight and Love Sense addresses this issue. It's about two minutes long and is entitled The # 1 Way To Ruin A Perfectly Good Relationship. Go to:
I also recommend a longer Sue Johnson YouTube video (23 minutes), and very informative entitled How To Love Intelligently In the Age of Instant Gratification. Go to: You may find other YouTube videos of interest on the YouTube page as well........

For further inquiries:

Check out Jim Covington, marriage counselor, at

Phone: (917) 656- 4363