Sex, Intimacy or Fifty Shades of Grey


Men are notorious for wanting to read about sex but not relationships. So - spoiler alert, despite the title of this article, read on only if you want to be enlightened to the path to a fulfilling relationship (in every way) * wink, wink *

Dating and relationships are a hot topic at happy hours and what I hear most of the time is the amount of work involved with women and relationships. Men want swinging from the chandelier sex and women want intimacy. Well here is some inside information, guys, if you create intimacy you will get the sweaty, in-every room-sex you crave.

I know you're thinking, "Intimacy is work," but it's not bad work and quite frankly, you will be surprised at the pay off for both of you.

So how does a strapping, virile man acquire intimacy? It is a combination of vulnerability, time and honesty. It is hard enough being honest with yourself, let alone a woman, but there is a sense of freedom that comes when you are. Exposing one's skeletons and being transparent leaves you totally exposed and vulnerable.

There's that "V" word, again, and I don't mean a woman's body part. Vulnerability is not a bad word; a scary word, maybe, but not a bad one. The cold hard fact is in order to have a healthy, strong, thriving relationship both parties have to allow themselves to feel and embrace vulnerability.

More times than I can count I have heard men and women say his or her partner "never let me in." How sad to be sharing a bed with someone you don't really know. Having open and honest dialogue about your past and any skeletons hanging around is an act of courage. View it as exhibiting your strength, not as exposing your weaknesses. Bringing a difficult topic into the light takes away its power. As long as you allow it to lurk in the shadows, it has the power to control you and, consequently, your relationships. That being said, this is a swinging door, so if you expect your partner to accept you, you have to accept your partner. If you realize you can't, then walk.

Being an open book is not a bad thing. Be thankful when someone wants to open and read it. I'm not saying you should unload your entire history on the first date. One must have discernment concerning with whom and at what time is best. But at some point the book has to come off the shelf.

"Timing is everything," "All in good time," and "When the time is right," are popular sayings for a reason. They're true.

Guys, you want toe curling sex? Then trust me on this. Invest some time, slow things down. Don't let sex be the main objective of your third date. When you do, you are setting yourself up to lose interest in what could be a fabulous woman

because you are rushing things along. By speeding up the "get to know each other" phase, you have successfully eliminated the mystery and pleasure of getting to know her and BAM - you've lost interest.

Here is a fact. As much as you think you know a person because you have spent hours texting (which, by the way, inspires my follow-up piece about the intimacy in hearing someone's voice) there is no way you can really, really know someone after one date. All you will know is whether or not you want a second date.

I was talking with a guy friend of mine about this article and he said something that I think brings the concept of intimacy versus sex to light. He said, "In baseball, you have to round all the bases to get to home plate. If you don't touch first base, you are automatically called out and none of the other bases matter. It seems as though in relationships people want to get to home plate without rounding all the bases. Kissing is first base and you should be called out if you don't touch this base on a daily basis...and with passion."

And so you have it, straight from the mouth of one of your own. My 50- something-year-old friend has unlocked the key to great sex. He confirmed what I have long known and what men need to know. Great, swinging from the chandelier sex doesn't start from the waist down but from the waist up. Opening your heart, being vulnerable and allowing your partner to feel comfortable doing the same will allow you to really get to know the person you're creating intimacy with which will unequivocally lead to rockin' sex. And, oh yes, kiss and kiss some more.

For further inquiries:

Check out Debbie Martinez, Divorce and co- parenting coach, at

Phone: (305) 984- 5121