Sex is Important, Timing is Crucial, Intimacy is Everything


Sexuality in our modern American society is as confusing now as it ever was. Where progressively, we have become more open and understanding about the diversity of sexual interests, sex tends to be either discussed as something taboo and dirty, or its importance is minimized, defeated by a hypersexual society that misses the value of human intimacy. In a fight to rebel against conservatism, men and women are happily adding sex to their program, sometimes too early. In contrast, due to a minimizing of the real benefits of sex, couples tend to fizzle out quickly in terms of sexual intimacy and adventure as soon as they feel stable with one another. Many relationships are failing because we aren't having a balanced conversation on the evolution and importance of sexuality in a relationship over time.

The Honeymooners

The honeymoon phase, where butterflies and romantic memories are born; new couples thrive at sex! Chemistry, newness and excitement are at play, making this phase possibly the sexiest phase of a relationship. You want to know what would make it even better? Not having sex at all. No, it's not because of a fear of punishment or bad karma, but because spending more time on non-physical foreplay can really help strengthen your bond while building more excitement. Having sex too soon and too frequently can seriously halt the "getting to know you" phase of your relationship. Once you start having sex, you can't wait to have sex, that is, until it's not as exciting and you don't: remember how to have a conversation, feel chills from a simple hand hold, or find the simple beauty of your lovers presence to be as engaging as it once was before you introduced sex into the relationship.

Instead of giving right into all the passion boiling to the brim, turn the heat down, put the top on and talk about all the sexy things you want to do with one another. Talk about what you like and don't like, discuss your worst and best experiences and most importantly, be honest about what your sexual expectations really are. One common mistake is that couples tend to stretch the truth about their kink levels, leaving the other to eventually feel let down later on, when they feel settled and unwilling to do what they proclaimed to love to do. If you're honest with one another, you will feel less awkward when you finally give in, and you will have developed a more solid foundation before taking it to the next step. The endorphins you receive from sex, mixed with the oxytocin you experience when being in the presence of someone you have grown fond of and bonded with is really worth the wait.

The Veterans

It's been a few years and the romance has fizzled. No, they don't really enjoy giving you oral sex as much as you may have hoped, and truthfully, you don't really dig foreplay or cuddling after-sex the way you did in the beginning. As a matter of fact, you don't even remember the last time you've had an orgasm and this is all very problematic. You feel like roommates more than lovers and though you can manage a household, you can't manage to make one another smile. You count yourselves lucky if you don't piss each other off. Don't go running to the sex store just yet though. When working with these couples, we like to work on the intimacy outside of the bedroom first. Couple who lose a sexual connection have always lost the intimacy in their relationship as well. Sure, all the magazines can give you advice on new positions or ways to spice up your bedroom, but without the connection that you should share as a couple, those things will feel like chores.

Take some time to reintroduce intimacy, dream sharing, laughter and social activities you both enjoy. Make sure you have an open space to communicate those issues that may have been swept under the rug, haunting you at every turn. If you are free of worry and insecurities, you will be able to relax into a pleasurable sex life once again. Return to engaging in daily dialogues, long kisses (4 sec or more) and non-sexual touching. These little changes can boost your intimacy heavily, helping you to return to a more loving and passionate space.

Long-Distance Lovers

Long-distance relationships, or as I like to call them, "vacation relationships" can be very difficult to sustain, especially in the context of sexual satisfaction. The problem with these relationships usually stem from the unwillingness to discuss bothersome details for fear of ruining the limited face to face time available. These couples become experts at passive aggression and burying problems. As we've learned from our veterans, this can implode relationships quickly. Without the benefit of a living arrangement or shared responsibility, these relationships can easily fizzle if the connection is missing.

The most important step you can take in a long distance relationship is agreeing to do whatever it takes to address your issues and move forward. Both parties must agree that the situation is difficult and requires extra patience, compassion, communication and care if it is to succeed. If you both feel safe to share and be vulnerable, you will increase your capacity for intimacy, enjoy your time spent together more consistently, and move on quickly. When your hearts and minds are free of conflict, your relationship has room for passion.


Don't move too fast or risk compromising the health and intimacy of your new relationship. Don't forget what's truly important and don't sweep things under the rug or you risk the health of your established relationship. Remember, passion lives where your intimacy resides. If your relationship is safe and you trust and care for one another, you will thrive in pleasing each other. If the trust, vulnerability and compassion is off, so will be the passion. The key to amazing sex really is caring about your partner, no matter how you define the relationship. If you feel your relationship is suffering and you need guidance getting it back on track, consider help from a relationship counselor, a non-biased opinion can sometimes go a long way.

For further inquiries:

Check out Eboni Harris, Licensed Relationship Therapist, at

Phone: (832) 384- 4445