Wired for Love

I'm excited to deep dive into a conversation about Marriage and connection with my pal Rabbi Grover. He says that the institution of marriage does a really good job of supporting people in matrimony but not enough to sustain relationships throughout the lifespan. I couldn't agree more - 50% of marriages are ending in divorce.

Relationships are an investment and require a lot of maintenance - kind of like a car. They break down at times, need repairs and servicing. For this reason, we turn to guidebooks - everything from a car owner's manual that shows how much to inflate your tires, to the recipe of your grandmother's famous chicken soup. We may hate the thought of consulting a manual or calling technical support, but can you really operate all these things successfully simply through intuition?

Relationships are complex and yet we often attempt them with a minimum of guidance and support. Many of us didn't grow up with a healthy model of relating. We either repeat the mistakes our parents made or consciously work to break the legacy passed down to us through the generations. Flying blind, as many couples do, and expecting relationships to fall into place is a recipe for disaster. Hence the need for well informed guidance that supports your relationship.

Lucky for us, there has been an emerging body of scientific knowledge and theory in the field of neuroscience, attachment theory and psychology that has the potential to influence how partners relate to one another. Having a better understanding about how our brains function - how we're wired - and our partner's attachment style, can help us effectively defuse conflict when it arises and create a more stable and loving long term relationship. Investing into your own "relationship manual" is well worth the effort.

The secret to cracking the code of connection and love is to move towards emotions in order to understand them. This process may involve resolving arguments or unfinished business that have left you feeling lonely and isolated or reduce stressful emotions like panic, anxiety, and depression. Adult bonding and all the emotions involved in creating a secure relationship - is the key to love.